There's something about San Antonio that really brings out the flu like symptoms in me. I've been here a month and a half now and I've been sick the whole time. Maybe my mind keeps reminding me that I'm in Texas and that thought alone makes me sick. So the other day a baseball must've found its way into my sinuses, causing need to go to another place that my mind confuses as the devil's own dominion (Walmart). I've been battling this cold for a while now, but I feel like someone rufied me and took me to get my brain pierced (all the cool kids are doing it now). I immediately go for the Sudafed isle to find that now even the smallest packages of Sudafed have been taken off the shelf and put back behind the pharmacy desk. Now I'm no drug dealer and I've only seen season 1 of Breaking Bad, but I'm pretty sure that in order to cook up meth you need a LOT of pseudoephedrine. So what is with every last pill getting put behind the pharmacy desk?!?! Another thing that I'm not is a doctor, but I do understand that there are other other decongestants such as guaifenesin (active ingredient in Musinex) or a powerful cocktail with ibuprofen, caffeine, benadryl, musinex, phenylephine (pseudo-pseudoephedrine), and diphenhydramine. Really you can get all those goods between 2 different pills and have a decongesting snot rocket machine. Even a Red Bull and 3 Monster drinks could do the trick. The problem is I know the power of pseudoephedrine and not only does it work just as good and maybe slightly better than any other decongestant, but now even the lowest dose of it is behind the counter which can only mean that it's THAT good.
If you don't believe me go to the zoo. They don't put the Lions out on the walkways to just stroll around with the public, they put out harmless peacocks that show you a fan of beautiful feathers when you get too close. The Lions are several feet down and on the other side of a ravine so that it is nearly impossible to pet them. That way if you take a kid to the zoo that's been backtalkin' in excess you're going to have a harder time teaching him a well deserved lesson at the zoo, then you might by using other evil schemes. Don't judge me, your the one with the kid who's mouth you can't control.
My point is, when there is a government mandated barrier between consumer and product it's because of a potential to do serious damage or, more likely, a conspiracy (we don't have time to get into this today). So when my sinuses are pushing my eyeballs out of my head I need a recipe for disaster to combat this ugliness. The type of recipe that is soooo good, it's dangerous.
The whole problem with the barrier is that Sudafed is out of reach because of its potential to be combined with other household items and create something that will make you trip your balls off for 2 days straight, not because of its ability to dominate the common cold. But the marketing masterminds that be have me thinking it's the later (maybe we will touch on conspiracy just a little bit).
So I know I want the good stuff, but I don't want to look like the type that wants the good stuff for bad reasons. So you're suppose to roll up to the pharmacy and ask for Sudafed while at the same time not looking like a tweaker that's about to loose it if he doesn't get the smallest amount of Sudafed to cook up some meth. What are the symptoms of a cold/flu? What are the symptoms of crashing after smoking meth for a week? Is there a difference? So you prepare to go through the daunting task of acquiring Pseudo.
It doesn't help if you swear you see the pharmacy tech putting on a glove that runs all the way up to his elbow while at the same time winking at you, followed by a fake gun blast with that gloved hand. Please tell my he has a bottle of KY.
Stay cool, they are not on to you... oh crap, that guy behind me keeps putting his finger to his ear, he could be undercover DEA... they lady in the motorized cart looks suspicious too, because I saw her walk in here and then use the cart and that never happens here (damn! why do they let just anybody ride in the motorized cart)... Why does she need my ID?...
15 minutes later, box in hand you walk out of Walmart with your head down in shame like you've just been riding a horse all day. You forget why you went in there in the first place. Wife's waiting in the care, "did you get what you needed, Hunny?"
"Yes, can we just go!" tear... tear...
Hey meth heads, THANK YOU for the inconvenience of treating a common cold. I hope you forget that you shouldn't smoke in your lab next time you light up so you can do us all a favor.
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