Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Orientate this (Day 1 on the job)...

Look pal you can teach me about cultural sensitivity all you want, but what about my needs?  According to the video I just watched the white male is the only perpetrator.  So why don't you just show the video to us before you start filling everybody with ideas.  Then they'll be like - my last boss called me that all the time I didn't know I could sue him? OR you mean I could've slapped away my bosses hand...

You thought I wouldn't catch that one did you.  In your video even when the white man is the prey he's also the predator.  And they always gotta up it.  Next year will have a dude just yelling at himself in the mirror while the narrarator says, "Bob here had a rough day, but just because you have a rough day doesn't mean you have the right to tear yourself a new nostril, or simply combine the two into one.  If you're not careful you may be the victim of your own insensitvities.".

My people did not take a boat ride many generations ago to come here and be portrayed as the evils perps.  We're the good white people that escaped the evil tyranny of the damn dirty English and frankly I'm tired of being attacked.  I don't have crooked teeth and some hideous accent that makes me sound pompous.

But seriously, I'm pretty sure if I'm going to perform the duties to my job and meet any of the criteria in those orientation videos simultaneously, I will have to remain completely silent my entire shift.  Is that even feasible for a nurse?  I mean can I really nurse it up to the fullest with out talking?  Don't answer that, I'm not done.  The problem here is sometimes silence can hurt too.  How would that look if every time I walked by someone unfamiliar and I'm getting ready to say something, but then I stop because I realize that what I'm about to say may be misconstrued, so I don't talk, but my mouth is half open and I don't want to look like a(n) (insert culturally sensitive noun here)?  So instead I immediately break eye contact stare at the ground and keep walking.  How would that person feel?  Now not only have I committed an insensitive act, but I have left them standing and armed and pissed and I've indirectly caused what will most likely be a great long chain of insensitive events, when the offended chooses to point out that I am a (insert culturally insensitive nouns).  It's a good thing we covered all the codes to call in emergency type situation, cuz trouble she's arisin'.  What was the code for I just caused a massive clusterfluff of mess within my first 5 minutes on the floor?  Code rainbow?  Rainbow in the sensitive all colors inclusive kind of way and not the abhorrent type.  When did the judicial system hijack our rainbows anyways?

Now calm down I didn't mean to worry everybody, the thought of me causing such mass chaos not only violates the ethic code of maleficence that they cram up your (insert orifice here - NO, not your orifice) all up and down nursing school, but it is all based on the premise that there is some sort of red tape processing words before they leave my mouth as I speak.  You see the normal person communicates like this:

Male: thought -> reason (filter) -> speaks

Female: thought -> reason -> re-think - what would make this sound more evil or chaotic or illogical ->(evil potion is brewed) -> speaks

But I've always been one for efficiency, ergonomics, and saving time
Me: thought -> speak (I've totally cut out the middle man)

Some may refer to this as having "no filter", but what do we use filters for anyways?  Water with too much sediment and microbes, improve indoor air quality, filter the dirty grimy air before entering an engine, filter the oil full of debris circulating in the engine, viscous IV fluids, filters for wound vacs so they don't get clogged with hyperstinky discharge...
But what if your mind was a natural spring of pure thought?  You do awesome things like tear the backspace key off your keyboard.  You don't apologize for giving a non prescribed, but much needed dose of the truth.  Nor do you demand apology from those who should apologize for misinterpreting your words, that while possibly offensive in nature, should be waived their offensiveness because they are in fact unquestionable - no sugar added offensive in some nature and thus serving a greater purpose.  How about instead of complaining - so and so called me a (drop the bomb you earned it) you just say I'm glad he called me that, I always thought I was "just another" colleague.

So I set off determined to be a corporate man.  After 8 hours of sitting on my cheeks and becoming culturally competent and listening to who knows what else, I decided to do a practice run on the way home and see if I could be culturally sensitive (it's even harder than I made it sound).  I made it all the way to the highway (at least 90 seconds) and merged on the highway.  Then, I got stuck behind some (adjective noun) who wouldn't move his (adjective adjective noun) so I honked my horn because where I come from we try to go a little faster than 40 on the (adjective noun adjective) highway.  I couldn't go around him because some other (adjective noun adjective noun - double combo 20 points) wouldn't move his (adjective noun).  And so on... adjective... noun...

Point is lets calm it down a little bit Amirhika...






*Reference:
Maleficence [mahl-eh-fee-shins]
< Latin of male > bad + < English of feces > made of poo: 1 Pertaining to making bad poo, 2 having come from a land of stinky poo, 3 ability to clear a room

*you might just want to google it.  In fact it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead fact check this entire post.  Yeah, I think I even mispelled America.  Oh look at that I misspelled mispelled.

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